Confused Concoction!!

Since the tender age of 10 I have been asking myself what is it I want??!

At 10 of course the answers were freedom from books, no comparisons to my intelligent and dutiful sister and freedom to do jus the thing I felt like doing. No doubt I was a naughty child! I have troubled my mom by my truant ways no end! She has had to come over to school over a zillion times asking my principal sister to please pardon me this one time and take me back to class. Those were playful days when one never thought of consequences or how it would impact our tomorrow. I remember my first ambition during those days was to be an engine driver. I was so fascinated by the world of trains (still am in fact).

Life’s playful days moved at a rapid pace and soon it was time to make a few crucial decisions. Class 11!! What group will I take up? The decision was easy since there were but 3 options (not like today where you have a score). But within these options I was confused, which one do I go for? Confusions in life thus began. The final decision was based on herd mentality. My friends are all doing math and science so will I. This decision was least rational, extremely emotional and over all had no roots. 11th and 12th were my most fun years. I look back at them very fondly. But these were also the years in which further confusions began. I could never make my mind up about anything was easily pushed into doing things and was completely into following the herd.

The jewel in the crown of confusion was when I completed 12th (I had taken up science saying that MBBS was my look out :D). I fared quite miserably in physics, barely scrapped through in fact. The saving grace was that chemistry and biology I had good marks. Now what next? Bewildered again I tried following the herd. But this time round my mom averted the mishap. I was left with the choice of zoology in one of the two colleges in Ooty. I took it up and did it with great zest for the first one month. Before life posed another situation, a lot of my friend had moved into literature department in the same college. Of course you’re right! I promptly took a transfer to literature. What is it that I wanted to achieve in life? God only knew… with no aim or objective I just twittered like a butterfly. I loved literature though and I attribute it to the wonderful lecturers I had in college. I fondly remember Elizabeth Mam and her poetry classes; Paradise Lost was almost visually enacted by her. Her use of words and the parallels she drew were just so mind blowing. I enjoyed those three years but yet did not have a handle on what next?!

I remember in those days I vaguely heard of communication being a good subject to take up. So I stood adamant and did take it up yet not clear what’s coming out of it though. Ask me today and I swear I don’t remember a thing I learnt in college. I recollect more from my bachelors than from my master’s classes. I was in a big city for the first time and alone to top it, I was so taken up internalizing things around me and finding my feet that hear again the main focus never got established.

Today as I reminiscence I realize, its only providence that in spite of lack of clarity all my life, I yet have managed to get to where I am.

And have I gained clarity of thought at least now?