Connection from the past!

A connection from the past there seems to be, 

between my lil baby and me.

The love we bear for each other says so,

during turbulent times we loved more.

You are the baby god sent my way,

the answer to every prayer i say.

Not born of me but my child you are,

this relationship no trouble can mar.

In our world in my baby's smile i would melt,

but when he went away the pain of delivering a child i felt.

Though i knew i would find him one day,

I felt blinded and lost my way.

Until the moment i heard my lil baby's voice,

the world around me was unsettled and full of noise.

in my eyes a glint i finally see,

since my baby has come back to me!!

Lil Angel

Round like the full moon her face is aglow

Looking at the lil angel many a thoughts flow

Her eyes filled with mischief

A half moon smile she gives

Behind the curtain while playing peek

I see soft clouds of hair and her dimpled cheek

Innocent child is thy name God?

Or are you emissary of the Lord??

The beautiful lady in you lies in waiting

With changing seasons time is abating

Whither?

There is a plan and so I am told

for every little being on earth.

Was there a plan when HE broke my mould?

I wonder as i feel a dearth.

What did HE really mean for me to be?

Uncertainty shrouds my mind’s eyes

and I don’t seem to clearly see

the way ahead or the path that lies.

Is there a signpost to lead me there?

Or is there a guide to take me?

Or maybe this passage here

will lead me to see.

Whither is the way?

I don’t seem to know

Whither is the way?

Oh Lord wont you show?

Life

No I am not delirious, I am not on dope and I have not had a drink too many!!

In my complete senses and I think the quality of life we have today sucks BIG TIME!

I can hear angry retorts to this comment of mine. You cant say this, dispensable income has become more, you go out in cars instead of public transport, we have over 200 television channels to choose from and above all we have the boon of the modern day – internet that comes along with a booty like facebook, twitter, google, gmail so on and so forth that bring the world to your finger tip.

But in this flurry am still looking for that simple life I had as a kid. When all that was expected was to finish your homework and daily lessons, a maximum of an hour with ones books. There were no tuitions, no extra classes, no jam packed days with extra curricular activities thrown in like that was not extra but intrinsic, no gadgets to occupy your simple mind and no summer camps!!

In fact summer holidays were meant for a short holiday with family before settling down to innovating new games and reinventing the old ones. We stayed in the sun all day playing all kinds of stuff. On a day when we did not get a brainwave on the games, that day was reserved for tree climbing, bicycling and picnics. A lot of the games we played are not known today.

Today’s world is on a fast forward mode. Like Wordsworth said, there really is ‘no time to stop and stare’. Children are sent to school at an age when they are yet teething ask why and we hear, oh they have to learn to mingle with children their age and the play school is the best place for that. So basically at 2 we pack the lil ones off to school so that we can get a breather from the hectic schedule of baby on board. That by the way is just the beginning. From class one itself the rat race begins. Why are you not first in class? You need to concentrate more. Don’t waste time playing. It is in grained in them that nothing but class first is good enough and everyone who does not stand first one is a loser.

To make things worse we do not give them as much as a moment to breathe in a day. School, tuitions, singing / dancing, tennis, swimming and what more have we. The child is not given a moment to spare a thought on what exactly gives them pleasure. It’s more like cattle out on the field. Summer vacations are not spared either. They are wasting too much time at home so it’s better for them to go to a summer camp. Why don’t we think that the child may just sit at home and come up with some phenomenal ideas, he will make friends that will go with him for a lifetime and above all he will learn to life his way.


Growing up is pity! Thanks to the worst year, the demon in disguise - the boards. I recall having gone for my boards after watching a movie the previous night. I yet did fairly well and of course if working and pocketing a decent salary is being successful then may be I fit in there as well.

Boards means cloistered in a room burning the mid night oil and mugging lessons. It’s a year of SACRIFICE! That’s what the parents tell their children, sacrifice on worldly pleasures to immerse yourself into your books this one year so you can attain no Not Nirvana but an engineering seat. Any other course will not do!

There is many a time we lose our tender little ones as we see the rat race take the child’s breath away. This happens since the child has no sporting spirit and is taught that success is the only way of life. Failure even once means you have no chance to live.

Is this worth it? Why not allow our children to explore the big world and spread their wings. What is better to have a child who failed once or not have them at all?

Friend

I awaken to the day, dark and dreary
The night being long sleeping barely
Worry writ all over my brow
I start the day with a bitter row

A row raging within me deep
Not knowing from life what to keep
Mystified by where I was leading
Not sure if it was worth the pleading

I was so lost in this maze
With life I forgot to keep pace
All hope was lost and doors sealed
When you came along with your shield

Like sweet manna from the sky
You just happened to my life, awry
Showed me the light and gave me strength.
Friend together we will go life’s length!

Raavan

I have always been a big time Mani Ratnam fan!! The adulation for the man is not merely from his movies alone, though of course his repertoire is the finest in modern Indian cinema, it also stems from the enigma that he is. You never hear much of him apart from when a movie of his is due for release. Until the screening itself, the story line is only debated upon and never known. And each time the storyline is so unusual, you know never know what to expect next.

His latest movie Raavan is no different to this genre. There are various people debating the storyline and reckoning it to the legendary epic. With the music released for the movie the buzz has grown phenomenally. There are speculations about the storyline floating around and every day we hear a new line.

As for me I do not want to even think what the movie would be about. All I want to do is enjoy ARR’s fabulous rustic compositions and play each of the songs in my mind’s eye until the dawn of the day when I can go to a theatre and enjoy the film.

From every movie of Mani sir (as he is called in the industry) I have a particular scene or tune that continues to stir in my head. I yet recall the phenomenal picturization of Thungatha Vizhigal from Agni Natchatiram, the haunting title score of Kannathil Muthamital, the sharp dialogues of Nayagan, the peppy music during the flashback (for Karthick) in Agni Natchatiram, Mohan Lal peeping out of the top of the building to see thousands of people waiting to get a glance of him in Iruvar, Gurukanth Desai’s speech to the committee after his illness in Guru and many many more.

This time round again I am sure there are going to be a lot many impactful scenes and I am waiting to see first hand whats in store. This is almost the first time Mani sir is making a full fledged bi lingual (apart from Yuva), though from the times of Bombay most of his movies have been Hindi / Tamil releases, he always used the same actors. This time around we have two sets of actors for the versions and am equally excited about both!!

Measuring up!!

Is it because someone gives without measuring, the one who takes measures his steps once he accepts??

This is not just the first time I am experiencing this. In fact every time I do it’s with a sense of déjà vu that I approach it. People seem to make friendships off late only after factoring in what is in it for them….

Where are those selfless people? Has god stopped creating people from that mould?

I do so fondly recall times when a colleague of mine used to carry lunch for me everyday because she realized I was not eating properly. Of course I have had a jolly good bunch that used to ensure there was vegetarian food and nimbooz for me while we partied hard late into the night at home in Pune.

But today as I look back at the last couple of months, I do not seem to recognize people from this tall order any more. Is it (my)opia or is it that there are no more people that trod the earth, having this quality??

Blank!

There are many a times when the mind just draws a blank. One is well aware of whats happening around and would like to react, you want to put your point forward. But you realize you mind is just numb. Like as if in jiffy, the gray cells in your mind have all vanished and all thats left is dark cavities of nothingness.

Its imperative to come off this and get back on my feet thinking.... But how I wonder?!

Memories

Social networking has done wonders! It brings back people whom we long lost thanks to the course of life and its different directions. There are many such friends whom I have had met after decades. The euphoria in meeting someone you lost and catching up is indeed charming and nostalgic!

This afternoon I was chatting with one of my friends whom social networking had brought back to me. After we found each other we exchanged phone numbers, spoke to each other, and caught up on all the lost time. Ever since his once in a while scraps and my replies has been the mode of communication.

The common thread that ties us together is OOTY! Yes that’s where I grew up. Amongst the lush green hills and ripples of the lake, white sheet of frost in winter and colourful flowers in summer. Long winding roads that had Mother Nature dressed in her most beautiful, luring you to fall in love. And fall in love you will. With the place and the people, warm, friendly, childlike and ever ready to help!

While talking to each other we of course took another trip down memory lane. We were talking of how we first met, thanks to a Rotaract Club meeting we were going to in Kochi (Cochin then). It was just after the results of my 12^th boards and I was at my depressed worst since I had not fared too well. A friend had invited me to this trip saying it would at least serve to distract me.

Believe me though this was so many years ago, I remember every small detail from this trip. But incidents and people from later in life are not so well etched in my memory. For instance I do not recall names of many of my classmates from my masters in communication class (MOP Vaishnav).

This fact was brought to the fore while I was talking to this friend. We went into finer details of who all were there on the trip, who all sat together. What we talked and even where we got off to eat!

From the time I had this interesting conversation with this friend of mine there is only one thought predominantly playing in my mind.

Why is it that we remember some parts of our life like they occurred yesterday while a few more (even if recent) just vanish into thin air?

Confused Concoction!!

Since the tender age of 10 I have been asking myself what is it I want??!

At 10 of course the answers were freedom from books, no comparisons to my intelligent and dutiful sister and freedom to do jus the thing I felt like doing. No doubt I was a naughty child! I have troubled my mom by my truant ways no end! She has had to come over to school over a zillion times asking my principal sister to please pardon me this one time and take me back to class. Those were playful days when one never thought of consequences or how it would impact our tomorrow. I remember my first ambition during those days was to be an engine driver. I was so fascinated by the world of trains (still am in fact).

Life’s playful days moved at a rapid pace and soon it was time to make a few crucial decisions. Class 11!! What group will I take up? The decision was easy since there were but 3 options (not like today where you have a score). But within these options I was confused, which one do I go for? Confusions in life thus began. The final decision was based on herd mentality. My friends are all doing math and science so will I. This decision was least rational, extremely emotional and over all had no roots. 11th and 12th were my most fun years. I look back at them very fondly. But these were also the years in which further confusions began. I could never make my mind up about anything was easily pushed into doing things and was completely into following the herd.

The jewel in the crown of confusion was when I completed 12th (I had taken up science saying that MBBS was my look out :D). I fared quite miserably in physics, barely scrapped through in fact. The saving grace was that chemistry and biology I had good marks. Now what next? Bewildered again I tried following the herd. But this time round my mom averted the mishap. I was left with the choice of zoology in one of the two colleges in Ooty. I took it up and did it with great zest for the first one month. Before life posed another situation, a lot of my friend had moved into literature department in the same college. Of course you’re right! I promptly took a transfer to literature. What is it that I wanted to achieve in life? God only knew… with no aim or objective I just twittered like a butterfly. I loved literature though and I attribute it to the wonderful lecturers I had in college. I fondly remember Elizabeth Mam and her poetry classes; Paradise Lost was almost visually enacted by her. Her use of words and the parallels she drew were just so mind blowing. I enjoyed those three years but yet did not have a handle on what next?!

I remember in those days I vaguely heard of communication being a good subject to take up. So I stood adamant and did take it up yet not clear what’s coming out of it though. Ask me today and I swear I don’t remember a thing I learnt in college. I recollect more from my bachelors than from my master’s classes. I was in a big city for the first time and alone to top it, I was so taken up internalizing things around me and finding my feet that hear again the main focus never got established.

Today as I reminiscence I realize, its only providence that in spite of lack of clarity all my life, I yet have managed to get to where I am.

And have I gained clarity of thought at least now?

Trepidations…

One day is never the same as the other in life, am sure everyone that walks the world will agree with me on this. We can plan and plan and device ways and means to minimize the effects sudden rumblers we encounter but we cannot totally avoid the mild discomfort while passing through one.

I have understood this with experience. For someone who has never lived away from home the short stint in Pune due to a job transfer brought in with it both opportunities and apprehensions galore. Will I be able to survive in an alien land? Will I adapt myself to the food style there? Will I manage living on my own? There were so many questions lurking in my mind. In some dark corner of my mind I was afraid of going to live in a land with no friends.

However when the appointed time came I pulled up my socks and tread the new path with confidence in my mind. My heart yet filled with trepidations unanswered.

My first contact in Pune, Poonam, who later went on to become my room mate was warm and courteous & boisterous. She went out of her way to help me. I moved in to stay in a house on my own for the first month of life in this new place and she made sure she shared with me even a mattress from her home to make me comfortable and settle me down. Shortly I began settling into work and since it was a new, yet to open hotel, there was work and loads of fun alongside. A month passed in the city with me alone in a single bedroom house in which I don’t ever remember using the living room and kitchen.

Before long we had a second batch of people joining our team and I was introduced to this soft spoken, gentle girl, our training manager, Neha. We hit it off instantly and life at work got better with more laughs and merrymaking. Soon Neha and I decided to move into together, we saw only one house and fell in love with it and for the period I was there this was our party zone.

It was a different thing setting up a house without anyone around you. Signing a contract, moving in with your belongings, getting that gas connection, buying the sundry items for the house, it was all loads of fun. We had a three bedroom house, a football ground of a living room, bare with hardly two pieces of furniture and a TV that came in much later. The only well stocked area was the kitchen. For the first month of staying in that house we used only one bedroom, Neha and I chatting late into the night and falling asleep.

Poo as Poonam began being called moved in with us. As she walked in the door, she came in with a smallish suitcase. Neha and I assumed that’s all she did have; little did we know she had come with a truckload of stuff. An entire evening she unloaded things and set it up in the smallest of the bedrooms that did not have an attached wash room.

Gradually we settled in and our home (yes that’s what it became for us by now) became the hub for all get togethers and parties. No occasion was too small for us to celebrate. Someone coming from Bombay, to someone winning an award, to birthdays to just like that surprises, to weekends, every little thing called for a celebration.

Our first party though is momentous. There we were some 10 -12 of us eating Pizza ordered from Pizza Hut and drinking (liquor and coke) out of steel glasses since we did not have glassware. From there the progress to the most happening party place was thanks to Poo’s truckload in which apart from other things she also had glassware for every kind of drink.

I remember it being a bright and chirpy spring day, exactly a year ago when we picked up this guy on the way to take him to the hotel. We were introduced to him and told that he was Palash our new restaurant manager.

In a couple of days Palash along with a few more guys from the hotel found a house just behind ours in a complex called 5 gardens and settled in. By the way we lived in Element 5. Five was the synergy. And within a short period of time we became as thick as thieves. We spent all the evening together, Palash & I making dinner and the rest of the guys (Preety Preetam, Aadheer, Shiraz, George, Yadhu, Muthu, Poo and Neha) talking to the dozen, teasing each other, playing cards and going nuts.

When I left the city I was sure of one thing, I had made friends for a lifetime.

As I sit back today and reminisce the days in Pune and the trepidations I had before I went there I feel I was foolish and yet as a new saga unfolds before me, the trepidations show up again….

Accupany low!

It was just another evening when I was standing in the usual street corner from where I normally hail a rickshaw to go home. Getting a rick in the evening is no easy task. I have had to wait for anything between 10 mins to half hour to get one. Today I was a little late and a wee bit edgy so all wanted was to just get home quickly!

Just after about 3-4 mins of waiting, an auto pulled up that was the fastest thought to myself and proceeded as usual to ask the driver “bhaiya maradpally jaoge”? That question normally drew a negative response and the auto drivers zoom away without as much as responding to my query. But this driver was more forthcoming, he said "meter pe 5 rupai dena amma". I would normally have not budged and spoken the law and said "kyun bhaiya meter pe jao, extra kyun dun"? But like I said I really wanted to get home, so after a little persuasion from my chauffer I relented!!

I got in and as usual went into my mobile, was peering into the street and relaxing after a long day at work. In between the driver spoke to me for directions and as he did he also mentioned his stand was close to the hotel. For the rest of the journey, until almost close home we were silent.

Just when we turned into the street in which my flat was, the driver began talking again. I often tend to avoid talking to auto drivers because I somehow feel its not very safe. Don’t ask me why, I don’t have an answer. But since this one has already begun I could not avoid conversation.

He nonchalantly asked me “Aaj kal hotel ka accupany low hain na madam”? I was completely taken aback, an auto driver asking about the hotel business and to top it using professional terminology. After the brief moments of shock I recovered soon enough to tell him it’s been bad for the city because of the current political instability. He promptly said his business had been affected as well, where he used to have at least 15 - 17 'savaris' in a day now he has only about 7-8. He then told me that the owners of our hotel had given the auto drivers permission to put a stand close to the hotel and that he operated from the stand for 10 years now.

After a pause in conversation when I had reached my flat and was pulling my wallet out to pay him off, he caught me off guard with another question. Madam “Srinivas sir nahin hain na”, he asked. It took me sometime to put into perspective his question and figure out whom he is talking about. By the time I stabilized and understood his first question he had his next ready, “abhi colnel sahab ayye hain na”? Only when he asked me the second question did I understand whom he was referring to question one. I gave him a meek jee han, paid him and went home.

Once I was home I kept going back to the conversation with the auto driver and could not stop myself from thinking he knows all the inside information about the hotel, in fact sometimes more than an associate in it may!!

An ode to life!

From the first time our eyes locked in glance
To the very first meeting by chance
This is a relationship that was meant to be
Construed by 'my son' you see

Like a whirlwind my life you take over
All your smiles and love you shower
Knowing the smallest of my care
Our little son you share!

You smile with me and cry with me
And hold my hands as a dream we see
You mock at me, you chide me
You tease me, you own me

The feeling of being owned by you
Is the feeling of bliss I always knew
I thought this bliss is for ever more
Until a storm broke out creating a furor

Beautiful memories you leave to reminisce
Sealed all the way with every beautiful kiss
These memories yet feed me
Whatever in life I want to see

I lose all & you lose none!

As the red of the rising sun sets the sky ablaze
You look me in my eyes and say
You mean the world to me
And I love you dearly

Two separate lives we lived
With one dream
And yet one day you made me realize
I lose all. You lose none!

We stepped out into the cold wind
You held my hand, wrapped me around and say
You make my world go around
And I love you baby

We dream of a future
With our own family
And yet one day you made me realize
I lose all. You lose none!

After really long.....

I want a home to call my own
With the cheery sun smiling down
A home abound with the laughter and mirth
Of children prattling, sieving the earth
dirtying their hands and laughing aloud.


I want a home to call my own
A pretty lil’ home warmth adorned
A home where we live to see our grays
And continue to smile thinking of those days
spent with children who are now renowned

I want a home to call my own
Where I have my world! Am not alone!!
A home that is like a beautiful dream
Filled with moments that brings a gleam
to these weary eyes that tears cloud.

Decision making!

What is the most difficult thing in this world?

No it’s about conquering the Everest or swimming the English Channel. With sheer handwork, practice, determination and persistence one can do these things.

But the more difficult thing is decision making!

Imagine you’re in a group... having a heated discussion on something that needs a decision. What does it take for the group to arrive at a common point? Loads of ego massage, shaking your head to things that you really don’t seem to agree with and most of all a herd mentality, I'll go with them rather than stand alone and fight....

In your own personal space as well decision making is never an easy process. How many times have you been at a restaurant not being able to make a decision on what to eat and then finally saying I’ll eat what that person on that table is eating because it looks appetizing!

Alas one cannot make others' decision your choice in your private space all the time. Your decision has to be your own and moreover it has to be sane so that the rest of your life is in safe custody. Am lurking at that stage in life where am unable to make a decision… Help!!

Future tense

English grammar class in junior classes...

Vividly remember Ms. Hyacinth teaching us about the tenses.... I recall how excited I was that day... Ran home to mom's arms and told her "Amma today I learnt tenses in school".

With the passing days - Future tense was unfolding in front of me.... 'Tense' what kinds of tension can a little girl have must be the question in your minds. Well the tension then was rather pleasurable tensions, didn’t realize this then though. Mom won’t allow me to play a lil longer, my friend pinched me, exams are approaching and I have to study, so on and so forth. At that age I always thought to myself "when I grow up I'll have nothing to worry about".

With every passing day, an older and supposedly wiser ME knows that this is never to be. As the drama of life unfurls itself in front of you, scene by scene, it intrigues you the amount of mystery and uncertainty that’s there in Life. This uncertainty ensures the tension on.

Whoever called it future tense was quite right! What say?!

Out of sight is out of mind

Why has it taken me so very long to write i wonder?

Is it that there is very little happening in my life to write about? Or is it sheer laziness?
I think its a mix of both. Life has not really had too many twists and turns over the last few months. Its been a rather smooth n monotonous sail. Am a little bored with status quo and would really like to move on and add some zing into life.

Works been very slow and i think this is the agonizing factor. When one part of life is highly volatile and ever changing, the other part of life automatically takes care of itself. But this has been like the stock market slump. Bearish (is that the right word to use i wonder???) all over!!!

Anyways am sure things will change for the better very soon and then i will only be saying too much to do... Way of life!!!

Happy Birthday!!!

A journey of a thousand ships begins with one STEP! And i am genuinely glad that I took this one step – the step of moving into the blogsphere. Yes I have been in the blogsphere for a year now!!!
Wish me luck and many more birthdays to come!! Because I definitely believe I have a long way to go ‘before I sleep’.

Wish...

Where do I begin and how do I tell you how much I love you?
Life has been a roller coaster ride ever since I met you!!
The hours spent talking seem like a few moments,
And the minutes of staying away feel like a decade!!

There is only one wish I make for this lifetime.
A wish to spend this lifetime in your arms...
Knowing well this is not possible
Can I ask to awaken into your beautiful eyes, once?

From one crazy thought to another
My mind is forever seeking you
If I am reborn into this world
Make me yours is my lil prayer.